A Piece of My Heart

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Today I'm sharing something personal; something I wouldn't normally share on the blog. I'm not writing because I want people to feel sorry for me, or because I think I owe this information to readers, but rather because I think I owe it to myself to write it out. Get it off my heart and into the open where girls who are going through the same sort of thing, can relate.  As a lifestyle blogger, I invite people into my home and life, and this is a very raw part of my life as of lately.


Two months ago I was so full of bliss, joy, every good and lovely emotion you could fathom. I sat writing in my journal about how lucky-- blessed, rather -- I was to be in a relationship with a man of good character, one who treated me with respect, one who adored me and showed me that everyday.  One who loved the Lord and whom I prayed for and with- I was dating a guy with so many deeply good qualities...I just couldn't believe it was truly happening to me. You see, I'm good at being single. I've been single for most of my life, and the guys I did date throughout high school meant little to nothing to me in retrospect.  I was content being single, but when this man happened into my life, I was left feeling more joyful than I had been in a long time.  For the last 5 months, I was the happiest and luckiest girl in the world.
Then about a month ago my heart, mind, and soul were sent into shock.  The relationship was ending unexpectedly and I just couldn't understand it. The thing I worked to build for the previous 5 months was coming to an end. The person I cared about most wasn't going to be there anymore.


How do you even properly say goodbye to someone you've given your heart to when they're 2,250 miles away and you're doing it over the phone? You can't. 
You just can't.


A month ago I not only lost the most special man in my life as my boyfriend, I also lost him as a best friend. We would talk on the phone every night and share our days with one another. I miss that. I miss sweet text messages and looking at the cute pictures we had of the two of us. I miss hearing his voice.  Not a day goes by where I don't think of him.


Through this heartbreak I've learned a few things, which is why I'm here spilling a piece of my heart onto the pages of my blog {which is normally about design and pretty things...so I apologize}. I discovered that I've never been truly heartbroken before, and this is real and it's a true grieving process. I've learned time heals and that God has something else for me right now {though not sure what it is}. Although it's hard to trust, I must believe God has both of our greater goods in mind.  I've also learned that sometimes you don't get the answers you need or deserve at the end of a relationship, and it's okay to be upset, frustrated, questioning, and sad. Tears are good- something about crying makes the pain seem to slip away. 
Relationships are hard work, and I learned that they are risky. It was a huge risk and leap of faith to start dating a man who lived so far away, it was a risk to share him on the blog here knowing it may not work out, and it's a risk sharing my heart with you today. Were those risks worth taking? I think yes, because from each risk I've learned things. Yes, I learned them through pain, but I'm trusting this feeling will go away and I will be a better woman, wife, mom, friend, and Christ-follower from it.


Sometimes people and things float into your life for a short period of time, and as much as I wanted/want to hold on to him, I know I can't. Even in the midst of confusion and aching, there are a few things I know for sure: I know Christ loves me and my worth comes from Him alone, not through man. I also know what I deserve in a relationship. This past relationship showed me exactly what I deserve and how I should be treated, and friends- I encourage you {if you haven't already found the one} to set the bar high for men you date. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Even though my heart is aching now, I feel blessed to have experienced such a healthy relationship. In time, my heart will heal and I'm confident I will become a better, stronger and more loving person because of this.  But until that day, I'm taking one day at a time, remembering it's okay to be sad and mourn the loss of someone special to me. Sometimes doing just that and reflecting on the time we did spend together is what my heart desires. Sometimes going shopping with my mom or blasting the song "Payphone" is what I need {ha!}. But the one thing my heart always needs is Jesus. He's all we ever need, and the only safe place we have to run.


So today as I share my struggles and pain, I pray you could see the hope in my story, and if you're struggling, you could feel that same hope. And remember {as I have to remind myself every morning as I wake up} that actively choosing to be thankful for what we do have in our life is what leads us to true, undeniable joy. 


A heavy post for a Monday, but at least it's out of the way and the rest of the week can be back to all things lovely :) May your Monday be filled with hope and encouragement...
Love,