Our Hope in Infertility

A little over 10 years ago I started this blog, then subsequently my Instagram, and these are places I share my work and my life. I've always thought of my blog/Instagram as a part of my home and I let you in to little parts of it. For the past while here, my husband and I have been quietly walking through something with our close family and circle of friends. Last year I shared on Instagram about our story of infertility and today I'm letting you into it here on my blog. We're opening the door for you to this very vulnerable part of our lives, because I believe God is asking me to be obedient in this small way. I'm not sharing to get sympathy or advice, but rather, I'm sharing because this is a very lonely experience and if I can help one person feel less alone or if I can point one person to Jesus through our story, it will be worth the risk of opening up on this level.

Ever since I was little I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I have been obsessed with babies for as long as I can remember. I worked in the church nursery, holding, cuddling, feeding and playing with babies each Sunday as soon as they'd let me. If there's ever a baby in the same room as me, you can bet I'm thinking about when I'll get to hold it ;) 

We got married and we knew we eventually wanted children, but we weren't ready right away. We wanted to just be the two of us for a few years (which we loved and are so glad we did!). Admittedly, I had a lot of anxiety around being pregnant, but slowly, God was breaking those fears down. We started talking about trying for a family a few years ago and we agreed on a timeline that we were both excited about approaching. As the time got closer to when we said we would start trying, it was as if ALL my fears vanished and I was so ready and excited about everything involving having a family. I was so grateful that the Lord calmed those feelings! It truly felt like "the right time" for us. We had so much peace!

I learned everything there was to learn about how to get pregnant (seriously, I could teach a fertility class ha!), got on the right vitamins, made lifestyle improvements that would support a healthy baby. I thought about babies and nurseries and surprising our family and friends with our impending exciting news often. It's safe to say I had (and still have) massive baby fever. 

What we didn't know is that we'd be walking into a season of bareness and waiting. Months and months passed, each getting slightly harder than the last, and each with more of our family and friends announcing their pregnancies. We've certainly been learning how to hold joy and sorrow in the same hand.

Over the course of this journey I have been stripped down in just about every way imaginable. Our plans went out the window and my pride walked right out with it. This has been such a lesson in how our plans really are not our own. Our days are the Lord's and I've been reminded time and time again to hold our hands open and hold our plans loosely. 

 I'm longing, 
I'm waiting, 
I'm not going to lie, some days I'm doing a lot of questioning.
BUT, I'm moving forward with hope and faith, even if I'm crawling some days, because of the God who sees and cares and provides.

I'm wholly dependent on our loving Father who has good for us, who draws us out to draw us in, who walks with us in our greatest fears and moments of grief, who tells us it is good to be near to Him. It's not easy. Some days are so, so hard. I sought out a counselor during this time and I'm SO grateful for her wisdom! But you know what? After a lot of "hard", I can still say God is faithful. At the suggestion of a friend, I started a note in my phone and write down all the ways He has shown us His faithfulness in this journey of waiting. At first I scoffed at the idea; I will have nothing good to write, I thought. Well, I was wrong! Friends, I have so many bullet points to scroll through in that note. 

I’m sharing this part of our story with the internet because this is real life. Jesus does not promise an easy life void of trials or hard seasons, he actually promises the opposite: trials will come! Infertility isn’t our first and it won’t be our last. But what he also promises is that he will be with us. And friends, if you are experiencing pain, grief, the loss of a dream or even a tangible thing or person, if you’re waiting, if you’re yearning, if you are feeling lonely...I need to tell you that Jesus has sustained me.

It has not been easy, but He has walked with us and been near to us in this valley. He has gotten me through months I didn’t know how I could face. He has been kind to us, even in this most challenging season. He has given me courage and strength to keep going, keep trying, keep pursuing the next step. 

Wanting a baby so desperately has only pointed me to my desperate need for and dependence on Jesus. Our hope cannot be in having a baby. It HAS to be in Him alone! In my hardest moments, when I have felt like I can't do this for one more month, He has been my Living Water. And I want you to know He can be yours, too.

If you are here in the desert, whether in the same place we find ourselves now or somewhere different, you are not alone and you are certainly not forgotten.

If you’d like to pray for us on this journey to Baby B, we would be oh so grateful!


Just a little to note to ask you to refrain from giving me any advice at this time. We are working with our doctors and I'm just not sure my heart can take any outside advice. I do welcome stories of encouragement, though! Thank you for understanding and being so kind through this.

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  1. My heart aches for you as I know this same story. My husband I were married for 9 years before we had our first son. By age 30 we were both "ready" but it wasn't until I was 34 that our sweet angel was born. It was stressful, emotional and trying for our relationship, but when our son was born we were both so excited and appreciated every single aspect of parenthood because we knew how hard it was to get here. I wanted a second and my husband didn't and then I wasn't sure especially after the difficult road it took to get there. I figured I should be happy with this blessing. When I was 39 my husband wanted to really try and I thought that boat has sailed, but I decided to be open and see if it was God's plan. It was because it was easy getting pregnant and the whole pregnancy was a breeze. It's been such a tremendous blessing being a mom especially because I know how hard I prayed for these little angels. I know your brave and honest message will give many women encouragement. Always remember God is faithful and every path is different. You will be rewarded you. You will be a Mommy and I can't wait to see how you decorate your nursery. It will be beautiful.

    1. Sara, thank you so much for your sweet encouragement of your own journey! I am so happy for you. Hearing stories like this gives me great hope. I know that whenever (and however) I become a mom, it'll be a joy unlike anything else because of how much my heart has longed for it. I can't wait for that day!

  2. So encouraged by your faith in this!! I hardened my heart when my dating relationship which I believed would be the happiest Christ-filled marriage ended. The military man I'd gone to college with and invested my life into for 6 years during his training and tours to Iraq chose to pursue a woman in the city he was stationed in and was so cowardly that he told me via a text. I questioned God, yelled at Him and, after the waves of grief of what a divorce must feel like finally grew small enough for me to function, remained angry with the Lord. I pulled away from church and Bible studies and longtime friends just wanting to continue the grieving process and not admitting to myself that I was livid with God. I stopped singing to the point that last week my Mom made a comment about how she'd know I'm healed when I sing again - I didn't realize that my hurt and reaction to that hurt had so much of a ripple effect. So I'm awed and humbled by your response and faithfulness in this season and I'm sitting here silently crying at work thinking about the last 5 years and how much I've lost in time I could have spent investing in my relationship with Him and with others. I am praying that He will take control and change me since I know He hasn't pulled away from me, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I pray for you and your incredibly hard period of waiting and longing. He is faithful and He longs for you with great compassion. (Isa. 30:18) Thank you for being so vulnerable!!

    1. Oh, Hannah. I'm so very sorry for your pain and the way this all happened. My heart breaks for you! This is such a deep wound, because it's the loss of a life you thought would come to pass, which included dreams and a future, and so many unmet expectations. Your honesty here in this comment has blown me away! I don't know you personally, but what I know about you from this comment is that you're brave, you're resilient and you have the Holy Spirit inside you, because of the conviction you spoke about after reading this post. I am proud of you and so excited for you that you are leaning into the One who loves you so much and that you can say, after all you've been through, you trust He hasn't pulled away from you. That is so true!! Even if we FEEL God is distant or forgotten us, it isn't true (even though those feelings are very real).

      Thank you for encouraging my heart today that God is the same yesterday, today and forever, and that He longs for me with compassion. What a gift! Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I am praying for you, Hannah. I am trusting and believing with you that He can and will change your heart of stone to a heart of flesh. Beauty from Ashes, my friend!!


Thank you for stopping by! If you have a specific question, please email me at hello@michaelanoelledesigns.com. I always reply to emails! Have a blessed day! xoxo

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