Our Hope in Infertility

A little over 10 years ago I started this blog, then subsequently my Instagram, and these are places I share my work and my life. I've always thought of my blog/Instagram as a part of my home and I let you in to little parts of it. For the past while here, my husband and I have been quietly walking through something with our close family and circle of friends. Last year I shared on Instagram about our story of infertility and today I'm letting you into it here on my blog. We're opening the door for you to this very vulnerable part of our lives, because I believe God is asking me to be obedient in this small way. I'm not sharing to get sympathy or advice, but rather, I'm sharing because this is a very lonely experience and if I can help one person feel less alone or if I can point one person to Jesus through our story, it will be worth the risk of opening up on this level.
Ever since I was little I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I have been obsessed with babies for as long as I can remember. I worked in the church nursery, holding, cuddling, feeding and playing with babies each Sunday as soon as they'd let me. If there's ever a baby in the same room as me, you can bet I'm thinking about when I'll get to hold it ;) 
We got married and we knew we eventually wanted children, but we weren't ready right away. We wanted to just be the two of us for a few years (which we loved and are so glad we did!). Admittedly, I had a lot of anxiety around being pregnant, but slowly, God was breaking those fears down. We started talking about trying for a family a few years ago and we agreed on a timeline that we were both excited about approaching. As the time got closer to when we said we would start trying, it was as if ALL my fears vanished and I was so ready and excited about everything involving having a family. I was so grateful that the Lord calmed those feelings! It truly felt like "the right time" for us. We had so much peace!
I learned everything there was to learn about how to get pregnant (seriously, I could teach a fertility class ha!), got on the right vitamins, made lifestyle improvements that would support a healthy baby. I thought about babies and nurseries and surprising our family and friends with our impending exciting news often. It's safe to say I had (and still have) massive baby fever. 
What we didn't know is that we'd be walking into a season of bareness and waiting. Months and months passed, each getting slightly harder than the last, and each with more of our family and friends announcing their pregnancies. We've certainly been learning how to hold joy and sorrow in the same hand.
Over the course of this journey I have been stripped down in just about every way imaginable. Our plans went out the window and my pride walked right out with it. This has been such a lesson in how our plans really are not our own. Our days are the Lord's and I've been reminded time and time again to hold our hands open and hold our plans loosely. 
 I'm longing, I'm waiting, I'm not going to lie, some days I'm doing a lot of questioning.BUT, I'm moving forward with hope and faith, even if I'm crawling some days, because of the God who sees and cares and provides.
I'm wholly dependent on our loving Father who has good for us, who draws us out to draw us in, who walks with us in our greatest fears and moments of grief, who tells us it is good to be near to Him. It's not easy. Some days are so, so hard. I sought out a counselor during this time and I'm SO grateful for her wisdom! But you know what? After a lot of "hard", I can still say God is faithful. At the suggestion of a friend, I started a note in my phone and write down all the ways He has shown us His faithfulness in this journey of waiting. At first I scoffed at the idea; I will have nothing good to write, I thought. Well, I was wrong! Friends, I have so many bullet points to scroll through in that note. 
I’m sharing this part of our story with the internet because this is real life. Jesus does not promise an easy life void of trials or hard seasons, he actually promises the opposite: trials will come! Infertility isn’t our first and it won’t be our last. But what he also promises is that he will be with us. And friends, if you are experiencing pain, grief, the loss of a dream or even a tangible thing or person, if you’re waiting, if you’re yearning, if you are feeling lonely...I need to tell you that Jesus has sustained me.
It has not been easy, but He has walked with us and been near to us in this valley. He has gotten me through months I didn’t know how I could face. He has been kind to us, even in this most challenging season. He has given me courage and strength to keep going, keep trying, keep pursuing the next step. 
Wanting a baby so desperately has only pointed me to my desperate need for and dependence on Jesus. Our hope cannot be in having a baby. It HAS to be in Him alone! In my hardest moments, when I have felt like I can't do this for one more month, He has been my Living Water. And I want you to know He can be yours, too.
If you are here in the desert, whether in the same place we find ourselves now or somewhere different, you are not alone and you are certainly not forgotten.
If you’d like to pray for us on this journey to Baby B, we would be oh so grateful!

xoxo

***Just a little to note to ask you to refrain from giving me any advice at this time. We are working with our doctors and I'm just not sure my heart can take any outside advice. I do welcome stories of encouragement, though! Thank you for understanding and being so kind through this.

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